I. two weeks ago we sat there silent in that silent corner he was crying he was leaving but I was puzzled I was relieved comforting words did not comfort him so I blamed myself for his misery my misery was fake. but he never knew and so he said "don't" never blame myself.? there is nothing to blame in myself.? "for you are perfect enough for people to love you" and he looked at me with wet eyes.
II. one week ago he called all the way from down under the uncomfortable silence we used to think it comforting, romantic now I only squirm. "don't hate yourself" "I won't" "I still love you" "me too" I lied.
III. just yesterday he was back but it was different tensed.strained forced smiles or was it just me? I couldn't stand it anymore and bid farewell to him.
IV. now. everything reminds me of him. I see his face hear his voice but I cringe with guilt our love died on my side he stayed faithful to the end "don't hate yourself" he said. but now he's gone. and I hate myself again.
V. the future? jamming down white miracle pills to make me sleep forever a flash. hating myself till the very end. goodbye.
chiiyo's comments :
This poem is split into two parts because I wrote them at two quite different stages of my life. This one I wrote when I was extremely depressed. As you may have guessed, it documents the last few months I spent with my very first boyfriend. In verse, it documents how we grew apart, and how I had "dumped" him. I was 15 at that time, not the most mature age to have a boyfriend. Since I initiated the relationship I was remorseful for my final decision, which, although was essential, I felt, was a betrayal. In essence, I felt that the whole thing was a mistake, and this big mistake was my own fault, for being so naive and so indecisive. This guilt was not the only thing that drove me finally to attempt suicide, but it was certainly part of the reason.